HOW TO BE VICTORIOUS IN LOVE

But with those who have made an impression upon your heart, I have noticed that you are timid. This quality might affect a bourgeoise, but you must attack the heart of a woman of the world with other weapons…I tell you on behalf of women: there is not one of us who does not prefer a little rough handling to too much consideration. Men lose through blundering more hearts than virtue saves. The more timidity a lover shows with us the more it concerns our pride to goad him on; the more respect he has for our resistance, the more respect we demand of him. We would willingly say to you men:”Ah, in pity’s name do not suppose us to be so virtuous; you are forcing us to have too much of it…” We are continually struggling to hide the fact that we have permitted ourselves to be loved. Put a woman in a position to say that she yielded only to a species of violence, or to surprise: persuade her that you do not undervalue her, and I will answer for her heart…. A little more boldness on your part would put you both at your ease. Do you remember what M. de la Rochefoucauld told you lately:”A reasonable man in love may act like a madman, but he should not and cannot act like an idiot.”

– Life, Letters, and Epicurean Philosophy of Ninon de Lenclos, Ninon de Lenclos, 1620-1705

To hold you over until a bigger, better post comes out, let me present this Craigslist article entitled “Why Nice Guys SUCK”. Be forewarned that the letter below contains sexual situations and language. But it has a great point. Enjoy.

“Why nice guys SUCK”

This is a long rant, so bear with me or hit your back button. I’m frustrated and in no mood for your shit either, so if you don’t want to read it, well…

So I’m dating a nice guy now and it SUCKS. No other way to explain it, it just SUCKS. He’s no challenge. He agrees with everything I say. He’s got it all though – a decent job, a nice house, no kids, no psycho ex-wives, and he’s tall and cute. Anyone ever seen that Friends episode when Alec Baldwin played Phoebe’s boyfriend?? YEAH, my boyfriend is THAT nice. He’s just too fucking nice. Nice is boring. I’ve never heard him raise his voice. He’s never aggressive. He has no edge. He won’t even drive over the speed limit and that fucking annoys the shit out of me, yet I sit in the passenger seat and keep my mouth shut… watching everyone whiz by us.

And don’t get me started on the sex. Oh, excuse me… making love. After he cums (note I didn’t mention anything about ME cumming), he rolls over and says "Oh, that was nice" with a little sigh. I KID YOU NOT, he says it EVERY TIME and then he sighs like he has just woken from a refreshing nap. I finally got so tired of missionary and him looking lovingly into my eyes and smiling as he came, that I threw him down on the couch one night and mounted him. At first he was terrified – yes, TERRIFIED. He thought something had possessed me. And it HAD — it was sheer MADNESS. I fucked the shit out of him that night. And then he sighed and said "Oh, that was nice".

Now that we had the cowgirl position conquered (always with that sigh afterwards), it was time to move on to doggie. His ex-girlfriend never did doggie (hmmm… maybe there’s a "nice" ex-girlfriend to blame for his timid niceness?? That bitch…). Anyway, I digress. I tell him I want him to fuck me from behind. Yes, I used the word "fuck" and I didn’t care what he thought about it. He gets behind me and enters me, and damned if he didn’t say "OH, THIS IS NICE" !!! Are there any 35 y/o men out there that haven’t smacked a woman’s ass when doing her doggie?? YES, and he’s my boyfriend!
Tonight during sex, I think I’m gonna tell him to stick his finger in my ass when I’m riding him. THAT should be interesting.

So for the nice guys out there, my advice is this: It’s great that you’re nice (to an extent), but have some backbone. Don’t be a spine donor all your life. When your girl is out of line, say something. Don’t let her walk all over you. Occasionally, be a "bad" boy (being bad doesn’t translate to abusive or criminal). Say "No" to her sometimes. Raise your voice and be heard. Say something dirty/sexy to her occasionally. Drink a few too many beers and piss out in public. Smack her ass. Don’t ever use the word NICE to describe things, especially sex (okay, that may be a personal pet peeve). Have an interest in at LEAST one sport (or pretend to). Drive 5-10 miles over the speed limit once in awhile. Run an old lady off the road just for kicks (yeah, I’m kidding about this one… just ride her bumper for a few miles). Be aggressive during sex. Take off those damn white socks and Jesus sandals. Grow a goatee for a few weeks. Shave your balls. Stray from your routine and shake things up.

BE A MAN FOR GOD’S SAKE… and the women will fall at your feet.

Whew… THAT FELT NICE.

(Full article)

One of the classic episodes of Seinfeld is season four’s “The Opposite”. George, the bald-headed loser of the group, is down in the dumps as all of his life’s decisions have only resulted in pain and hardship for him. That is until he is inspired to do the exact opposite, which results in him landing a gorgeous blonde of a girlfriend and a job for the New York Yankees.

Now while George’s opposite behavior is a bit extreme, he makes the right steps.

1. He orders the exact opposite of his usual at the cafe, which in turn gets looks from a woman who orders the same thing. He approaches the woman and states his current loser position. Although this is sharing too much, the right move in approaching her first worked. One could say he played up humor in his line too. (All in all, this portrays confidence.)
2. At the movie theater, he shouts down some hecklers and which gets the praise from the audience. (A bit extreme, but confident.)
3. At the end of the date, he refuses to go back to her apartment after she asks. This is great. This is playing up challenge (readers of “The System” would know all about challenge.) Simply put, he makes her wanting more by being different from any other guy. This will drive up her interest.
4. During the episode, George applies for a job at the New York Yankees, where he berates Steinbrenner (team owner) for his moves involving the team. Steinbrenner says to “hire this man immediately!” Again, a bit extreme, but George’s newfound confidence got him somewhere.

Confidence and challenge are two big parts of “The System”. In a nutshell, these two things are helpful when it comes to dating. Don’t follow all of George’s steps, but learn something from them.

See George in action:

One of the many reason I started this blog was to spill out my personal experiences along the way and match them up to the ideals of “The System”. This past weekend I had a second date with a girl when I wondered where I stood. Usually, the second date is a good watermark since guys often get blown out on the first. She gave me a second but I still noticed she was cold towards me. She wanted to meet up but didn’t seem entirely into it. During lunch, we talked but she looked away at the wall decor often. (Guess that was more interesting. Oh well.)

As I walked her to her car, we said our goodbyes. I then tried to kiss her. She turned her head.

This, in case you were wondering, is a surefire sign that your chance was/is over.

Curious, I talked to her the next day to ask for clarification and I was fed a line. I bid her good evening and it was officially over.

Now I could dedicate a billion word post on why I failed. But let’s say the chief reason was that I didn’t follow “The System” 100%. (Not really my fault… I stumbled upon it a few weeks after meeting her.) She also lived far away from me. Note: long distance relationships DO NOT work out. Get this now before you regret it.

But let’s get to brass tacks here… why the kiss test?

Following the second date, if you aren’t feeling a bunch of buying signals and seeing more red flags (such as lack of touch, or her showing more interest in the wall) then you know that it’s time to get out.

You’re probably asking that this is a good chance to embarrass yourself. So? You know if you didn’t kiss and just let things be, she will milk you for a few more dates and that’ll be that. Not only but your interest in her will only rise and you’ll be love struck. Too bad it’s only one sided. It hurt to get the truth but I effectively put an end to something that was only going to waste more of my time, energy, effort and money.

Do me a favor: don’t administer this test after the first date. Too early, plus she might have the jitters too. You could… but it might weird her out. After the second date you’ll be more comfortable. In today’s day and age, kissing ain’t major. So it shouldn’t be an issue to do it.

I could also expand this part into another post but I’ll tackle it just a little bit here. The million dollar question: why does a woman who doesn’t want to date anyone decide to date you? If she said she isn’t interested in dating yet goes out with you a few times… doesn’t this contradict?

For logical thinking men, this is contradicting. She isn’t really lying though… she’s just not completing the sentence. (“You’re a nice guy, I’m sorry, blah blah, but I’m not interesting in dating/a relationship… with you.) This is all it boils down to.

Keep this in mind: some women are bored. Some women want to use guys for free meals and have nothing to do. It sucks, and I know. These are what we call Professional Daters. I’m certain this girl was one. Once you’re fairly convinced you have one, stop wasting your time and move on to another girl.

The old me would’ve not kissed her, thought things were fine since we were hanging out, went along with it, raised my interest over time, a few more lousy dates then… BAM. Why hurt a lot when you can hurt a little earlier on and not waste more time? I wish there was a non-hurt option but no dice. But if you keep your ear to the door and look for good AND bad signs you’ll get out earlier, you can dump HER for a chance (!) and ultimately feel better. The male ego trusts his gut feeling when it’s positive, but ignores or rationalizes when it’s negative. Get smart and start listening to yourself.

In this “talk”, you encounter the barrage of Womanspeak unlike the which you’ve never seen. How the “vibe isn’t right”, how it’s “not you it’s her”, and the ilk. You should know where things are going at this point. Even though she probably isn’t outright saying it, it’s true – things are over.

Then, after the official breaking up, she hits you with this curveball.

“I hope we can still be friends.”

I swear that statement must be the most studied and most inconclusive statement in the history of Womanspeak. Why? Because it’s incredibly deceiving.

For example. Three of my relationships broke up, and I was given this proposition of being friends. It hurt like hell to break up, and of course I still had feelings. So I accepted. Please note in ALL three cases, with ALL three women of different ages and backgrounds, the Friend Zone just did not work out. Why? Because they either lost touch with me, went with someone else immediately afterward or worse, treated me as a male girlfriend. The Friend Zone is dangerous and 99.9% of the time ends up in pain.

When you reach the friend zone, there’s no going back. I’ve heard exceptions, but if you’re broken and lonely, you probably don’t want the person responsible to be your friend. So why do it? Because you WANT to be that exception.

In my personal experience, it’s not worth it. If you heard the friend proposition, your response should be “Thanks, but I have enough friends.”, cut your loses, and go. It’s going to hurt to leave them for good, but it will be a lot better in the long run. The Friend Zone poses too many problems to try and inhabit. Sooner or later, your emotions will get the best of you as a “friend”.

So why do women do this? I’m no expert, but I claim that the main reason has to be is that they don’t want to hurt the male ego even more. They know it hurts to break up and how you possibly feel. But they don’t want to come to the realization that they should bow out of your life for good. The solution? Be friends. And since men take up this offer constantly just to be the stooge in the background, they think it won’t have any bad effect on you whatsoever. They’ll move on! they say. Right.

Another reason is because with that person on the background, they have a backup in case they breakup with another dude. This is why a lot of guys accept the Friend Zone: as a fallback. To those guys I say, why bother? Is it REALLY that worth it? Is your self-esteem and self-worth that low? Please. Not to mention there are those girls who keep stringing along guys until they have five to ten bozos in the background vying for her attention. And you know she likes that. Don’t be a schlub.

This is why, as a man, you should bow up gracefully first. Studies show that the dumper usually suffers less than the dumpee. Don’t grovel or accept less. It’ll hurt you. Don’t be fooled by the tempation that is the Friend Zone.

Asking for the number is a quick way to gauge a girl’s interest. If you get a delay then you know she’s most likely not too interested. If she spits out the digits immediately, then you know she’s very interested. Again, it’s a good way to see how she feels about you after a short conversation.

Now remember – just because you got the number doesn’t mean you are immediately “in”. You still have work to do. She may be trying to just be nice to you. (Of course, saying the word “no” doesn’t cross her mind as being nice. She’d rather lead you on.) And no one says you have ever really have to call her, but if you’re interested, do what you feel. Waiting a few days is the norm, but I suggest you wait longer, like 5-9 days to call her. The reason is that you want to build the mystery.

Guys will come up with various reasons not to close. Shyness and fear of rejection are the top reasons. If a girl initiates a conversation with you, then you know that she finds you good-looking and wants to talk. You gotta close in that regard, unless she brings up a boyfriend or husband.

Closing is important. If you want to get anywhere, you got to remember to do it.

While I could roll off the numerous commercials over the years, I’ve decided to go with a pop song that kind of proves the concept of challenge. It’s Lisa Loeb’s hit 1994 song “Stay”, which you may remember was from the Ben Stiller movie “Reality Bites”. It’s a Generation X staple. I believe this song to be a great reason of why challenge is great to keep women interested. It’s also an example of calling her bluff, which you should only do unless you wish to accept the consequences in case she either stays OR leaves.

Here’s some song lyrics broke down. You can listen to the song in full at the end of this post.

“You say I only hear what I want to.
You say I talk so all the time so.”

These are common complaints of the male.

“And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don’t belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong ’cause I missed you.
Yeah yeah, I missed you.”

This is an example of a woman who decided to leave, but changed her mind. While you can say that she just simply changed her mind, I find to be more of an example of a man putting his foot down and calling her bluff. This may not be what Loeb had in mind, but this is what I interpret.

“I don’t understand if you really care,
I’m only hearing negative: no, no, no.”

As always, keep it light and funny.

“And I thought I’d live forever, but now I’m not so sure.
You try to tell me that I’m clever,
but that won’t take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
You said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, “hey, I can leave, I can leave.”
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, ’cause I missed you.”

Again, bluff called. Let me note that if this song was written from a male perspective, it’d be interpreted as being a spineless wimp who’s begging for affection. This is what I think and I’m hard pressed to think otherwise.

“You said, “I caught you ’cause I want you and one day I’ll let you go.”
You try to give away a keeper, or keep me ’cause you know you’re just
scared to lose.
And you say, “Stay.”
And you say I only hear what I want to.”

If a guy says this seriously, it’s a bad move. Try not to talk so much about the future or your intentions… especially if you have an inclination that things are going well. Why set a time limit for your relationship? Only brings bad news.

Anyway this song is an example of how you can stand your ground. Confidence is important when it comes to relationships. You don’t want a pushover. Trust me.

Listen:

Stay tuned next time when I dissect a classic Seinfeld episode.

No sexism implied (never on this blog), but they just do. Talking is one thing though. You have to listen. If you slip up and forget a detail and are somehow tested (yes, tested) on it later, it’ll have a significant impact on your chances. In a negative way.

Try to steer the conversation away from depressing subjects. And, as always, AVOID religion and politics, especially if they get too hairy. The key is to keep it light and funny. A sense of humor is a must.

You must also be confident. This should go without saying. You shouldn’t apologize a billion times after every little slip-up or dominate a conversation. Give it some breathing room. If you seem bored or not interested in this girl, don’t flaunt this fact. Yes, go along till the end of the date and if you aren’t satisfied then you know it’s time to cut the cord.

Girls also like doing something that no one seems to understand: bring up exes. This is most likely a test to gauge your reaction. Again, have a snappy comeback ready and remember to change the subject. If it keeps happening, state bluntly that you don’t really appreciate it. If she doesn’t get the hint, she’s out. Again… a mystery why they bring this up. But this doesn’t mean you have to take it.

As always on a date, be curious. Pay for things, open doors, pull out the chair. Dress nice. Be a gentlemen. It’s sad to see these qualities fade as generations past, but it’s something you have to shoot for. There’s confidence and then there’s just not caring at all.

The first date is your first big test. If they schedule a second, you breathe SLIGHTLY easier. Keep the conversation light without giving your entire life story and you’ll increase interest.

The first point I would like to make that the biggest portion of this blog is going to dedicated to self-control. It’s pretty obvious that most males suffer from their ego. Why? Well, can you handle rejection? If you can’t, it’s your ego at play.

Self-control is a huge part because you’re going to need to your ego and emotions in check. Women don’t want needy or demanding guys. They don’t want the macho dudes or the wimps. (Something I’ll get more into in a future post.)

Keep your self-control and things will get better. If you get on your hands and knees and beg, you just look depressing. This has never worked and never will. Yes, there is a slim chance you’ll be taken back, but you’ve already lost your control. High chance of being dominated.

As I said in the last post, it takes two to tango. Women have the upper hand when it comes to dating and love. But if you don’t allow them to wrap you around your finger completely, you remain your own man.

Just remember: there’s plenty of fish in the sea and that sometimes things happen for a reason. You can’t go back. One chance, per girl, per lifetime. Keep your control and move on.

If you are not, I’m going to take another wild guess (more an assumption) and say you’re not going to agree with what I have to say.

Now that we have that out of the way let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this blog.

The first point you need to understand: there is a culture war that is stacked against men in the dating world. This isn’t a theory – it’s reality. Throughout the past few decades, fueled by the “feminista” movement, men’s role in dating has been further diminished. The result of this has been increased divorce, unhappy marriages and relationships and a lack of self-control in males. We, as men, have forgotten the power that we hold. Women hold most, if not all, the chips in the game of love, but remember that it takes two to tango.

I plan on using this blog as my personal soundboard on things that I observe in the dating world. Let me tell you that this blog will NOT be politically correct. Sometimes you have to not be in order to spell out the facts.

Why am I doing this? Because in my 24 years on this Earth, I have been to hell and back in regards to dating and relationships to only be blown off at the exact same point. I’ve found my mistake and am in the process of correcting it. You’ll be along for that ride as well.

Future posts will come but this mission statement is here to give you the 411 on what is to be accomplished. Enjoy.